i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
