you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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