I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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