we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
