With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
