I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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