I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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