Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
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Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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