I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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