If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
