I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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