It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
