There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
