Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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