wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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