It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
