I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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