I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
