Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
