im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
