Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
