just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
