Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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