areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
