why do cheetos always look like penises
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
