Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
