Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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