I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
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