my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
