booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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