You're a womanizer and a bitch.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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