I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
