I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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