Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
