Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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