Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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