2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
