My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
