so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
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Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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