the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
