so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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