You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
