Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
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I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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