he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
