I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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