Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
