He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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