My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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