We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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