I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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