I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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