watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just cropdusted the office
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think my moral compass just broke
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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