can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
