Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.